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Older & Wise(er)...
Updated: 18 hours ago
This week has brought a myriad of feelings, emotions and thoughts.
Tomorrow I turn 63 and, I was born in '63. For some reason this is significant to me.
Last days of "62"!!!
Four years ago in September of 2022, life changed significantly because of a horrific accident that took our only vehicle, gave me a brain bleed and my fourth concussion, and added a level of panic and depression to our already difficult circumstances at the time.
Two years ago in September of 2024 I was asked to join a cohort of incredible people at Nationwide Childrens' Hospital in Columbus, jumping into a Clinical Pastoral Education process that would eventually lead to a residency, and now to a full-time job as a chaplain at another hospital in Columbus, OH.
This year, in my vintage 1963 body and brain, bereft of a few original parts, but mostly intact, I celebrate the fact that I am alive, I am well, I am learning how to listen to my body, and I am figuring out how to survive and thrive, as I start all over again in my new(ish) job.
Let me explain my meanderings:
First, now that Ken and I work in adult hospitals we are noticing that people our age are really struggling with their health. And while this is happening, my training as a chaplain is more important than ever! In fact - I just started therapy AGAIN!!! Whew! Because I am reminded of my own mortality day in and day out - I am being more intentional with how I live, how I show up, and how I love. I am being more proactive with doctor appointments, hormone therapy, what I eat, how I exercise, and how I care for myself as I care for others.
Next, and probably more importantly, I am reminded of Pastor Phil Stout's message years ago concerning our eulogy. He talked about living in a way that each day reflects what you want your eulogy to be...(when you in fact do die). He talked about the intentionality of living, loving, grace-giving, kindness, and so much more. (Am I remembering this correctly Pastor Pill? Our son's name for our pastor and boss before he had the "ph" sound working in his toddler words.)
As we have walked with people over the years - in congregational ministry and in chaplaincy, and as I have aged significantly, (Did I mention I was born in '63 and am turning 63?!?! Ha!) I am coming to some conclusions that are requiring grace for myself, grace for others, and an attention to my feelings and emotions and the realities beneath them. These are things I am thinking these days:
Have we ever thought of what we would say to someone we have deeply loved for years, right before they die, or what we would say about them after they die? And have we said this to them in their lifetime, entering into deep personal discussions of worth and value?
Have I allowed myself to be transparent and vulnerable with those who are close to me?
Do I allow people to know me? Do I allow myself to know others?
When will I die? Will I be 62 - is it today? Will I be 93? Will I ever want to die? Right now - I really like being alive. Will I ever be ready to die? (Truthfully, this is the one getting to me now. I was always taught that I should really be looking forward to dying, so that I could go to Heaven and be with Jesus. But, since I believe the Kingdom of God is HERE, NOW, I am truly learning how to love being alive now, not taking my time for granted, and living out the values of Jesus by following his example - NOW.)
If I possibly get ill before I die - what am I asking of my family? What am I expecting?
Will I be kind to people if I am suffering, or will I hurt people with my words?
Will my fear speak louder than my love?
A while back there was a man dying who was desperately searching for pictures on his phone to show me. He just kept showing me pictures of his life. I was not understanding the intent of this until much later. This man wanted me to know who he was. He wanted me to understand the fuller measure of his life - before he was confined to his bed, emaciated and wordless. He wanted me to know that he loved making people laugh and smile. He wanted me to see his body as whole and full of life. He wanted me to understand that he had a good life of kindness, laughter, adventure, wonder, and strength.
Ya'll!!! All of this is deeply impacting me! The great theologian and author of Winnie the Pooh A.A. Milne said it this way, "How lucky am I to have something that makes saying 'Goodbye' so hard?!" RIGHT?!?!
And THIS is why I am working on my body, my brain, my muscles, my bones, and yes, my spirit, my understanding, my mental health, my connections to God, to people, and my universal connections to the earth and our world. I want to know better and do better - Thank You, Maya Angelou!
As I learn more about how others experience this world, I am being pulled to advocacy for those who are finding it easier to say a tragic "Goodbye" to this world, in their young years, rather than thriving within it. I long to help heal hearts that have been devastated by careless thinking, mistranslated scripture, scripture taken out of context, and other weapons formed from ignorance, white supremacy, fear, and hate including a lack of compassion, kindness and empathy toward our fellow human beings who do not see life the way we do.
I cannot help but hope for a moment like that of Saul in scripture, Acts 9, who is "still breathing threats and murder against the disciples of the Lord," and is brought to the ground as he hears a voice saying, "Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me?" where Saul realizes that in his persecution of the disciples he is actually persecuting Christ. We must remember that in these moments of persecution - Saul was abiding by the Law! Paul was a Pharisee who lived out the letters of the Law to the best of his ability! Suddenly with a flash of light, he is brought to his knees in realization that in his most ardent work he is actually working against what the Spirit of the Law (LOVE and the well-being of all of creation) is pointing toward.
This 'Saul' experience then provides for the "radical, risky hospitality" from the followers of Christ, who have formerly feared him, that then resonates in his own future ministry. This "divine interruption of his own story"(1) is what he needed. Paul was a proud Jew, and he LOVED THE TORAH! He knew Greek, Hebrew and Aramaic (the languages of the original writings of Scripture). But he was acting AGAINST God while being the above ^ - a terrorist of sorts!!! I resonate with this!
I know that I needed to have my own divine interruption of the "perfect life" story that would bring me to my knees in a flash of and ongoing illumination, that would free me to know and understand nuanced and truer perspectives of the LGBTQIA+ community, as well as other perspectives taught from a "whitemalegod"(2) vantage point. Whom are we persecuting when we are not able and/or willing to open our eyes? Whom are we enslaving when we continue judgment rather than enacting curiosity and wonder?
Had Saul followed a cloaked desire for power and control in the name of God - to preserve and protect God and his religion? Is that still happening today?!?! Ummm....in my humble opinion - yes!!! But God needs no defense. May we let the life of Jesus speak...through our love.
I may have 40 years left, or I may have none. My desire is to grow stronger in my faith, my body, and my understanding, so that I can share the love of God for EVERYONE EVERYWHERE! May my epitaph be "AS SHE GREW OLDER - SHE BECAME WISER! SHE LOVED HARD! SHE LOVED OUT LOUD! SHE LIVED OUT THE LOVE OF GOD!"
What are our eulogies saying so far?
References:
(1) Richard Rohr, Center for Action and Contemplation, Monday, September 14, 2026 - Daily Meditation-Rachel Held Evans - theological perspective on Saul/Paul.
(2) Christena Cleveland, theologian, social psychologist and activist speaks about racial reconciliation in her book "God is a Black Woman." Her purpose in this book is to "dismantle the cultural "whitemalegod" and uncover the Sacred Black Feminine---and ultimately hope, healing, and liberation."(taken from the jacket cover of her book) This is a powerful read!
(3) Acts 9 Reference to the story of Saul
A mini-vacay up north with our friends Doug and Steff. Got to see our youngest, Tate. The sunsets were amazing, Lake Michigan did not disappoint. And, Ken and I celebrated #38!
Right before that we had the opportunity to see our Mary's family. We got to see our grands rigth before they started school! So fun!!!
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