Holy Curiosity

So here we are – Friday, July 3, 2026! How did we get here?!

(Walking the neighborhood during the sunset. No filter!)

Yesterday we walked outside into the sweltering heat and blazing sunshine to get in our truck and head to a coffee shop to write, read, and work - when a pastor in our neighborhood asked Ken how he got into chaplaincy. All I could think was… “it is really hot out here, and it is a really long story, and I am quite sure you do NOT want the WHOLE story now – right?!?!?!” Haha! Ken politely gave the abridged version of Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE), and then he said… “why I became a chaplain – that is a longer story for another time.” Yep! Indeed!

As we find ourselves here in this moment – there are many thoughts swirling in my brain.

First!!! 5 years ago this month!!! – we left everything and everyone and moved to Ohio!!! 5 years!!!

How is this possible?

#2 – Ken and I are FINALLY on the same schedule! It has been 13 years (except for summers as a professor) that we have been able to plan our days ‘together.’ There is a lot of peace that surrounds this decision. (I asked Ken if he was going to tire of me, and his response was stellar! “No not a chance!” Good answer, my love!). I began my new job on June 1. We are grateful for a steady income, a place to live right next door to Ken’s Mom, a landlord who is remarkable, and cars that help us travel to our jobs.

(Sunrise at work. We wake up at 4/4:30 for work! Yes - even me!!! Haha!)

#3 – Recently, a friend posted that she just now got a job at an institution that I had applied to, for the same position, 5 years ago. Oh my! So much happened from the pit of my stomach to the synapses in my brain. So many feelings and thoughts and memories have come in waves. There were feelings of “I have never been enough,” to “I must have been too old or too broken.” The celebratory post had me questioning and journaling about the last 5 years: the fears, the finances, the jobs (that I never thought I would be doing), the friends who offered jobs in the midst of chaos, the accident/minor traumatic brain injury-that changed so much, the finances (oh, I already said that one!), the applications and calling all my references again and again only to be completely ignored, dismissed, or receiving a letter of rejection and the discerning process as to what “should” be next, etc... It is not that she does not deserve her appointment – she is amazing! She will be fantastic at her job. I am truly happy for her. It just opened so many scabs and maybe even a wound or two. (Again, not her fault.) I was hoping to continue working with young adults in the university setting. And it has been hard to let that go.

This all began drawing my attention to my brothers and sisters, trans and LGBTQ+ friends who have been looked over, dismissed, and/or overwhelmed in the aftermath of such. It has also reminded me of conversations with beautiful people concerning privilege, blessing, God’s Will, God’s plan, ageism, racism, systemic evil, bias, and so much more. (Yes, this opened up a HUGE can of worms for me. Ha!) Why do I now have a full-time job and others do not? Why did it take 5 years? Why are people all over the world struggling to secure housing? Not eating well? Having trouble finding dependable transportation? Unable to find healthcare?

I remember years ago when a friend gently spoke to me about the difference between privilege and blessing. She invited me ever so kindly to consider the difference. And, when we started seeing the world differently and understanding God to be so loving to ALL, we started SEEING the difference. I will not explain the differences here. But I want to remind us all that this is a discussion worth having. There are many people who have opportunities and many more who do not. Ken and I have been fortunate to find and complete residencies in CPE and hospital chaplaincy. And although it has not been easy, CPE opened possibilities that were not open to us before.

#4 – Friends!!! There are so many of you who continue to walk with us day in and day out as we have grown weary of the meandering road that did not seem to be leading to a ‘sure’ payoff.  You have journeyed with us, whether you agreed or not with our decisions or beliefs, and for that we are forever grateful. THANK YOU FOR SHOWING US LOVE! Thank you for reminding us that you “see” us. You have been Jesus to us. You have prayed for us. You have sent your good vibes and precious thoughts and support. WHERE WOULD WE BE WITHOUT YOU?!?!

#5 – our children. I will not speak for our kids, as they are adults. I will say this: What we have walked through affected our children in ways that we are still unpacking and working through.  I am amazed at their commitment to growth and resilience. I am so grateful for our family. Our kids and grands continue to make us want to “know better…do better” (Maya Angelou) every single day.

#6 – In 2021 I thought I would find a professor or university chaplain job, and I thought that was the direction I would go. I loved being a professor. But nothing panned out, and I began a slow descent into depression that I was not sure how to get out of. I never thought this would be a 5-year journey to finding a full-time position in chaplaincy. I didn’t even know much about chaplaincy. But the process has continued to help me “see” people right where they are. I rarely “assume” that I know someone’s story or judge why they are where they are. In fact, I have been more likely to “be curious not judgmental!” (IYKYK)

#7 – Healthcare. I have had a difficult road trying to find adequate healthcare in the last several years. Insurance has determined whom I may or may not see, and I have realized over these years that this just should not be an issue. But it is for many, many people that surround me. Recently,  I have found doctors and providers that are helping me feel better than I have for a very long time. And my hubs has been absolutely the best coach in our garage-gym where I am committed to lifting heavy weights to become older and stronger rather than older and more frail.

#8 -  I have had several former youth group students reach out to me and to Ken. One thanked us for impacting her life even now as she lives out her adult life with memories of us stepping in to offer help, prayer, and support. Another sent me the most recent book that details the early blogs, writings and meanderings of Rachel Held Evans – an author who has pointed me back to the Jesus I have loved, known and studied for years. “Braving the Truth: Essential Essays For Reckoning With and Reimagining Faith” which was edited by Sarah Bessey to keep Rachel’s voice alive since her tragic death in 2019. Others continue to ask for prayer in moments of great darkness, loss, and pain. This helps me give grace to who I was and who I am becoming. The process is slow and tedious, but I am committed to growth.

(Rachel Held Evans never held back on curiosity. She helped me reimagine my own faith.)

After writing all this – I want to ask a few questions that are rolling around in my head. These may seem random to you, but to me they are things I have been wrestling with for a long time.

How many times do we automatically use phrases and words that point to God’s blessing, favor and/or God’s will and God’s plan when things go well or even when things do not? How are you sure any of those things are true about any situation? What about the people who are landing lucrative deals, dream jobs, etc… What about those who are not? Does this automatically make you think this was God’s plan all along?

What is the difference between privilege and blessing? Have you ever thought about it? Are you curious most of the time? Are you judgmental most of the time? Why do you believe what you believe? Are you free to question your own conclusions from over the years? Do you allow yourself to have doubts? Why or why not? Are you afraid to utilize critical thinking skills in your time of prayer, meditation, scripture reading and study, and in conversations?

How many of us know people in the LGBTQ+ community who have been bombarded with demeaning and degrading language and bodily harm? And the trans community?  What do you believe about God’s love for everyone? Have you ever talked to people who are not comfortable in their bodies? Is there more we could learn about love, life, God, hope, pain, fear, panic, etc…? Could we become curious about things that we have been taught all our lives, allowing room for deeper understanding and illumination of thought?

I am feeling a pull toward holy curiosity. I want to learn. I want to grow. I have always questioned. And I will not stop. God has given me a mind and a heart that continues to pull me towards knowledge and wisdom. As my sister says, “Let’s gooooo!!!”

What about you? Do you dig your heals in when you want to be right? Do you have an aversion to learning a “different” way? Believe me – I am working on ALL of this ALL the time. It’s worth it! This is what I call holy curiosity.

Prayer: O God fill us with question marks – so we might seek understanding and wisdom. Allow us to have courage to wonder about things we have always “known.” Fill us with holy curiosity. Amen.